Book Overview: "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

Gianfranco BazzaniOctober 15, 202636 min read

"The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun." — John D. Rockefeller

Considered a classic of personal development and human relations, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie was first published in 1936, yet most of its advice still holds almost 100 years later. After friends recommended it to me, and after hearing it mentioned again and again by successful people on podcasts and videos, I decided to give it a try. It's a short book, practical and concise, but Carnegie repeats several times that to really get value from it, his rules have to be put into practice, and practiced constantly.

This article is an even more condensed compilation of Carnegie's rules, which I plan to use as a reference source to consult over time. I'm sharing it publicly here in the hope that it brings value to anyone who reads it.

About The Author

Dale Carnegie (1888-1955) was an American writer and lecturer, known for his courses in self-improvement. Born into a poor farming family in Missouri, he worked as a salesman and briefly tried a career as an actor before he started teaching public speaking classes at a YMCA in New York in 1912. His courses grew into a program on public speaking, salesmanship, and interpersonal skills that still runs today as Dale Carnegie Training. How to Win Friends and Influence People came out of the material he developed for these classes, and it became one of the best-selling books of all time, with more than 30 million copies sold worldwide.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive

Rule 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how big their mistakes may be. Criticism is futile because it puts the other person on the defensive and usually makes them try to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment. Animals rewarded for good behavior learn much faster and retain what they learn far more effectively than animals punished for bad behavior. By criticizing, we never bring about lasting change, and we often create resentment.

So when you or I feel tempted, on any given day, to criticize someone, let us remember that criticisms are like homing pigeons: they always return home. Let us realize that the person we want to correct and condemn will probably try to justify themselves, and condemn us in return.

"Don't criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances." — Abraham Lincoln

Do you know someone you would like to change, regulate, and improve? That is a good goal. But why not begin with yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous.

"Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean." — Confucius

The secret of Benjamin Franklin's success?

"I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody." — Benjamin Franklin

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

"A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men." — Thomas Carlyle

Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. "To know all is to forgive all."

The Big Secret of Dealing with People

Rule 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

There is only one way to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. The only way to get people to do anything is to give them what they want.

The philosopher John Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is "the desire to be important." What do you want? Not many things, but the few that you do wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Almost every normal adult wants:

Health and the preservation of life.
Food.
Sleep.
Money and the things money will buy.
Life in the hereafter.
Sexual gratification.
The well-being of our children.
A feeling of importance.

If our ancestors hadn't had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible. Without it, we would have been just like animals.

How a person gets their feeling of importance tells you who they are. That determines their character. That is the most significant thing about them.

"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.

There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise." — Charles Schwab

Of course, flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish, and insincere. It ought to fail, and it usually does.

"Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you." — Álvaro Obregón

This is not flattery. Far from it. It is a new way of life.

"Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise." — King George V

That's all flattery is - cheap praise. "Flattery is telling the other person precisely what they think about themselves."

The next time you enjoy a good dinner at your club, send your compliments to the chef, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, don't forget to thank them.

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let's stop thinking of our accomplishments and our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation of those qualities. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise," and people will cherish your words, treasure them, and repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way

Rule 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

"Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire... and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way." — Harry A. Overstreet

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?"

"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own." — Henry Ford

If salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won't need to sell us. We'll buy. And customers like to feel that they are buying - not being sold.

"People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them." — Owen D. Young

Looking at things from the other person's point of view and arousing in them an eager want for something must not be confused with manipulating that person into doing something against their own interests. Each party should gain from the exchange.

Ask yourself: "How can I tie in what I want with what they want?"

The critic William Winter once remarked that "self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature." We can use this idea in business too. When we have a brilliant idea, why not let the other person cook and stir it themselves? They will then regard it as their own. Remember: "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."

Six Ways to Make People Like You

Do This and You'll Be Welcome Anywhere

Rule 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

Dogs don't need to read a book on psychology. They know by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book called What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he wrote:

"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring." — Alfred Adler

Never forget that a genuine interest in the other person is the most important quality a salesperson, or in fact any person, can have.

If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, and unselfishness. When the Duke of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he was scheduled to tour South America, and before he started the tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could speak in the language of the countries he visited. The South Americans loved him for it.

"We are interested in others when they are interested in us." — Publilius Syrus

A show of interest, as with everything else in human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but also for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street - both parties benefit.

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, don't forget to become genuinely interested in other people.

A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

Rule 2: Smile.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says: "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you." That is why dogs make so many friends. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins, and so, naturally, we are glad to see them.

"People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There's far more information in a smile than a frown. That's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment." — James V. McConnell

"I greet those who come to me with complaints or grievances with a cheerful attitude. I smile while listening to them, and I find that adjustments are accomplished much easier. I find that smiles are bringing me dollars, many dollars every day." — William B. Steinhardt

Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.

"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there." — William James

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness, and there is one sure way to find it: by controlling our thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn't what we have, or who we are, or where we are, or what we are doing that makes us happy or unhappy. It is what we think about it.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." — William Shakespeare

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." — Abraham Lincoln

"Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual. Thought is supreme. Keep your chin drawn in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis." — Elbert Hubbard

Your smile is a messenger of your goodwill. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen dozens of people frown, scowl, or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.

If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble

Rule 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Jim Farley, who managed Franklin D. Roosevelt's presidential campaigns, discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in their own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and use it often, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it, and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

Benton Love, chairman of Texas Commerce Bancshares, believed that the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. One way to warm it up, he said, is to remember people's names:

"The executive who tells me he can't remember names is at the same time telling me he can't remember a significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand." — Benton Love

Most people don't remember names for the simple reason that they don't take the time and energy necessary to concentrate, repeat, and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves: they are too busy. But they are probably no busier than Franklin D. Roosevelt, who took the time to remember even the names of the mechanics he came into contact with. One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: "To recall a voter's name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion." And the ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.

We should be aware of the magic contained in a name, and realize that it belongs wholly and completely to the person we are dealing with, and to nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes them unique among all others. The information we give, or the request we make, takes on a special importance when we use the name of the other person. From the server to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.

An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

Rule 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Jack Woodford wrote in Strangers in Love:

"Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention." — Jack Woodford

What is the mystery, the secret, of a successful business interview? Charles W. Eliot, former president of Harvard, answered:

"There is no mystery about successful business intercourse... Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that." — Charles W. Eliot

The chronic complainer, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener - a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of their system.

Isaac F. Marcosson, probably the world's champion interviewer of celebrities, declared that many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don't listen attentively.

One of the great listeners of modern times was the famous psychologist Sigmund Freud. A man who met Freud described his manner of listening:

"It struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him. He had qualities which I had never seen in any other man. Never had I seen such concentrated attention. There was none of that piercing 'soul penetrating gaze' business. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary. You've no idea what it meant to be listened to like that."

If you want people to shun you, laugh at you behind your back, and even despise you, here is the recipe: never listen while others talk. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don't let them finish. They aren't as bright as you. Why waste your time listening to their idle chatter? Interrupt them in the middle of a sentence. Most of us know people like that, and the astonishing part is that some of them are prominent.

People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And "those people who think only of themselves are hopelessly uneducated," said Nicholas Murray Butler, president of Columbia University. "They are not educated, no matter how instructed they may be."

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their experiences. Remember that the person you are talking to is a hundred times more interested in themselves, their wants, and their problems than in you and your problems.

How to Interest People

Rule 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

Theodore Roosevelt knew, as all great leaders know, that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things they treasure most.

Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader in the field of employee communications, has always followed this principle. When asked what reward he got from it, Herzig responded that he received a different reward from each person, and that those rewards had always resulted in an enlargement of his life.

How to Make People Like You Instantly

Rule 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. If we obey it, it will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break that law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: always make the other person feel important.

"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." — William James

Jesus summed it up in one thought, probably the most important rule in the world: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

Little phrases such as "I'm sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so kind as to...?", "Won't you please...?", "Would you mind...?", or "Thank you" - little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life, and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

The whole life of a person can be changed when someone makes them feel important.

People with the least reason to feel important often make the biggest show of it. As Shakespeare put it:

"Man, proud man, dressed in a little brief authority, plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make the angels weep." — William Shakespeare

"Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours." — Benjamin Disraeli

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

You Can't Win an Argument

Rule 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

As the old saying goes:

"A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

"If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will." — Benjamin Franklin

You may be right, even entirely right, in your argument. But as far as changing the other person's mind is concerned, you might just as well be wrong.

"Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love." — Buddha

A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument, but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sincere desire to appreciate the other person's point of view.

An article in Bits and Pieces offered some suggestions for keeping a disagreement from becoming an argument:

Welcome the disagreement. Remember the saying: "When two partners always agree, one of them is unnecessary." If there is something you have overlooked, be grateful to the person who brings it to your attention. This disagreement may be your opportunity to correct yourself before making a serious mistake.
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in an unpleasant situation is to become defensive. Be careful: that reaction may make things worse rather than better.
Control your temper. Remember that you can measure the size of a person by what makes them angry.
Listen first. Give the other person a chance to speak, and let them finish. Don't resist, defend yourself, or argue. That only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding instead of higher walls of misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. Once you have heard the other person out, begin with the points and areas on which you agree.
Be honest. Look for places where you can admit an error, and do so. Apologize for your mistakes. This will help disarm the other person and reduce their defensiveness.
Promise to think over and carefully study the other person's ideas. And mean it. They may be right. It is much easier to agree to consider their position now than to push blindly ahead and later hear: "We tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen."
Thank the other person sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the trouble to raise and defend objections is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as someone who wants to help, and you may turn an opponent into a friend.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think the problem through. Suggest meeting again later that day or the next day to bring new facts to the discussion. Before that meeting, ask yourself some difficult questions.

Could the other person be right, or partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position? Will my reaction solve the problem, or merely relieve my frustration? Will it bring them closer to me or push them away? Will it increase the respect that good people have for me? Will I win or lose? What price will I pay for winning? If I say nothing, will the disagreement fade away? Could this difficult situation be an opportunity for me?

"When two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations." — Jan Peerce

A Sure Way of Making Enemies - and How to Avoid It

Rule 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."

If you could be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, you could go to Wall Street, make a million dollars a day, and buy a yacht. And if you can't be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong?

Never begin by announcing: "I'm going to prove this to you." That is the wrong approach. It is the same as saying: "I'm smarter than you. I'm going to tell you a thing or two that will make you change your mind." It is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the other person want to do battle with you before you even begin.

It is difficult to change people's minds even under the most favorable conditions. Why make it harder? Why put yourself at a disadvantage? If you are going to prove something, don't let anyone know it. Do it so subtly and skillfully that no one feels you are doing it.

"Men must be taught as if you taught them not / And things unknown proposed as things forgot." — Alexander Pope

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself." — Galileo

Lord Chesterfield told his son:

"Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so." — Lord Chesterfield

If someone makes a statement you believe is wrong - even one you know is wrong - it is much better to begin by saying: "Well, I see it differently, but I may be mistaken. I am wrong so often. And if I am wrong, I want to correct my mistake. Let's examine the facts."

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. It can stop an argument and encourage the other person to be as fair and open-minded as you are. It may lead them to admit that they, too, could be mistaken.

Sometimes we find ourselves changing our minds without resistance or strong emotion. But if someone tells us we are wrong, we resent the accusation and harden our hearts. We are remarkably careless in forming our beliefs, yet become fiercely attached to them when someone tries to take them away. What we hold dear is often not the ideas themselves, but our self-esteem, which feels threatened. That little word "my" is one of the most important in human affairs, and wisdom begins with recognizing its full significance.

When we are wrong, we sometimes admit it to ourselves. If we are approached gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others, too, and even take pride in our frankness and fairness. But that is very different from having someone try to force the unpleasant fact that we are wrong down our throats.

"I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix'd opinion, such as 'certainly,' 'undoubtedly,' etc., and I adopted, instead of them, 'I conceive,' 'I apprehend,' or 'I imagine' a thing to be so or so, or 'it so appears to me at present.'

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny'd myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear'd or seem'd to me some difference, etc.

I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engag'd in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I propos'd my opinions procur'd them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevail'd with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right." — Benjamin Franklin

Martin Luther King Jr. was once asked how he, a pacifist, could admire a general. He answered:

"I judge people by their own principles - not by my own." — Martin Luther King Jr.

Nothing good can be accomplished, and much harm can be done, by telling someone directly that they are wrong. You only strip that person of their dignity and make yourself look like a meddler. In other words, don't argue with your customer, your spouse, or your opponent. Don't tell them they are wrong or make them angry. Use a little tact and diplomacy.

If You're Wrong, Admit It

Rule 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Say about yourself all the critical things you know the other person is thinking, wants to say, or intends to say. Say them before they have a chance to, and you take away their reason for saying them.

There is a certain satisfaction in having the courage to admit your own mistakes. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the mistake.

Any fool can try to defend their mistakes - and most fools do. But admitting your own mistakes sets you apart and brings a sense of dignity and pride.

Remember the old proverb:

"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."

A Drop of Honey

Rule 4: Begin in a friendly way.

"If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, 'Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together." — Woodrow Wilson

Nobody likes to change their mind. You cannot force anyone to agree with you or me. But it is possible to lead the other person toward agreement if we are gentle and friendly.

The Secret of Socrates

Rule 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

When talking with someone, don't begin by discussing the things on which you disagree. Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree. Keep stressing that you are both working toward the same goal and that your only difference is one of method, not purpose. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" from the beginning. If possible, keep them from saying "no."

A "no" response is an extremely difficult obstacle to overcome. Once a person has said "no," all the pride in their personality demands that they remain consistent with themselves. They may later realize that their "no" was a mistake, but they still have their precious pride to consider. Once they have said something, they feel they must stand by it. It is therefore of the greatest importance to start a person moving in the affirmative direction.

A skillful speaker gets a series of "yes" responses from the outset. This sets the listeners' psychological processes moving in an affirmative direction.

Socrates accomplished something that only a handful of people in history have achieved: he radically changed the course of human thought. Twenty-four centuries after his death, he is still honored as one of the most skillful persuaders who ever lived.

Did he do this by telling people they were wrong? No. He was too shrewd for that. His technique, now known as the Socratic method, centered on getting a "yes, yes" response. He asked questions with which the other person had to agree, winning one admission after another until he had a whole series of affirmations on his side. He kept asking questions until, almost without realizing it, the other person reached a conclusion they had firmly rejected only a few minutes earlier.

The next time we want to tell someone they are wrong, let's remember Socrates and ask a friendly question - a question that will bring the answer: "yes, yes."

The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

Rule 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Most of us talk too much when we are trying to win others to our way of thinking. Let the other person talk. They know more about their business and their problems than we do. Ask them questions. Let them explain a few things to us.

Nearly everyone who has succeeded enjoys recalling their early struggles. The truth is that even our friends would rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us talk about ours.

"If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you." — La Rochefoucauld

Why is this so? When our friends excel us, they feel important. But when we excel them, they feel inferior, and that can arouse envy and jealousy.

How to Get Cooperation

Rule 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs.

Don't you have more faith in ideas you discover for yourself than in those handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn't it poor judgment to try to force other people to accept your opinions? Wouldn't it be wiser to make suggestions and let them arrive at the conclusion for themselves?

Nobody likes to feel they are being forced to buy something or take a particular action. We all prefer to believe that we buy what we want and act on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our needs, and our thoughts.

Twenty-five centuries ago, the Chinese sage Lao Tzu offered advice that still applies today:

"The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury." — Lao Tzu

A Formula That Will Work Wonders

Rule 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

Remember that the other person may be completely wrong, but they don't think so. Don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people make the effort to do so.

There is a reason why the other person thinks and acts as they do. Discover that hidden reason, and you will have the key to their actions, perhaps even to their personality. Try honestly to put yourself in their place. Ask yourself: "What would I think, and how would I react, if I were in their position?" You will save yourself a great deal of time and irritation, because "by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect." You will also greatly improve your ability to deal with people.

Cooperation in conversation comes when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own. To encourage them to keep an open mind toward your ideas, begin the conversation by making your intentions clear, shape what you say around what you would want to hear if you were in their place, and always acknowledge their point of view.

Tomorrow, before asking someone to change a habit, buy your product, or contribute to your favorite charity, why not close your eyes and try to see everything from their point of view? Ask yourself: "Why would this person want to do it?" It will take time, but it will help you make friends and get better results, with less friction and less effort.

What Everybody Wants

Rule 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

Wouldn't you like a magic phrase that could stop arguments, eliminate bad feelings, create goodwill, and make people listen attentively? Here it is. Begin by saying: "I can't blame you for feeling as you do. If I were in your place, I would undoubtedly feel the same way."

Arthur I. Gates wrote in his book Educational Psychology:

"Sympathy the human species universally craves." — Arthur I. Gates

A child shows everyone an injury, or may even inflict a cut or bruise on themselves so that others will feel sorry for them. For the same reason, adults show their scars and recount their accidents and illnesses, especially the details of their surgical operations. Self-pity for real or imagined misfortunes is, to some extent, an almost universal practice.

An Appeal That Everybody Likes

Rule 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

J. Pierpont Morgan once observed that people usually have two reasons for doing something: one that sounds good and honorable, and the real one. We usually know the real reason ourselves. But all of us like to think of the motive that sounds good. So, to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

People are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. Exceptions are comparatively rare. Even someone inclined to haggle will usually respond favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright, and fair.

The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don't You Do It?

Rule 11: Dramatize your ideas.

We live in an age of spectacle, surrounded by sights, sounds, and messages competing for our attention. An idea presented flatly, however correct it may be, is often ignored or forgotten. But when it is presented with a touch of theater - a demonstration, an image, or an unexpected gesture - it captures attention, stirs emotions, and stays in people's minds. Carnegie points out that movies, television, and advertising already use this approach, and anyone who wants to persuade others should do the same.

When Nothing Else Works, Try This

Rule 12: Tactfully offer a friendly challenge.

"The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." — Charles Schwab

The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! A sure way to appeal to people of character.

That is what every successful person loves: the game. The opportunity for self-expression. The opportunity to prove their worth, to stand out, to win. That is what makes footraces appealing: the desire to excel, the desire to feel important.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin

Rule 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

Beginning with praise is like a dentist starting work with Novocain. The patient still receives all the necessary treatment, but the anesthetic has already dulled the pain. A leader should use sincere praise in the same way, to make necessary criticism easier to hear.

How to Criticize - and Not Be Hated for It

Rule 2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

Changing a single small word can make the difference between success and failure when trying to help someone change without offending them or creating resentment. Many people think it is effective to begin criticism with sincere praise, followed by the word "but" and then the criticism. For example, to change a child's careless attitude toward their studies, we might say:

"We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for improving your grades this month. But if you had worked harder at algebra, the results would have been even better."

Johnnie will feel pleased until he hears the word "but." At that point, he will question the sincerity of the praise, which will seem like a trick to smuggle in criticism. Our credibility will suffer, and we probably won't achieve our goal of changing his attitude toward his studies.

We can avoid this by replacing "but" with "and":

"We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for improving your grades this month, and if you keep working hard, you can bring your algebra grades up to the level of your other grades."

Now Johnnie can accept the praise because it wasn't followed by criticism. We have indirectly drawn attention to the behavior we want to change, and he is more likely to live up to our expectations.

Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

Rule 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person's.

Admitting your own mistakes, even when you haven't corrected them, can help convince the other person of the value of changing their behavior.

No One Likes to Take Orders

Rule 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Asking questions not only makes orders more acceptable, but often stimulates the creativity of the person being asked. People are more likely to accept an order willingly if they have taken part in the decision that led to it.

Let the Other Person Save Face

Rule 5: Let the other person save face.

Saving face! How important, how vitally important it is! Yet how few of us stop to think about it. We trample on other people's feelings to get our own way, find fault, make threats, or criticize a child or an employee in front of others, without considering how we wound their pride. A few moments of thought, a considerate word or two, and a sincere understanding of the other person's attitude can do a great deal to soften the hurt.

Even when we are right and the other person is clearly wrong, we only cause harm by making them lose face. The writer and aviation pioneer Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote:

"I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime." — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

How to Spur People On to Success

Rule 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

Animal trainers reward every small improvement with a treat. Why don't we use the same common sense when trying to change people? Why not use treats instead of a whip? Why not use praise instead of criticism? Let's praise even the smallest improvement. It encourages people to keep improving.

Praising a specific achievement, rather than offering general praise, makes the compliment much more meaningful to the person receiving it. Everyone likes to be praised, but specific praise is received as sincere, rather than as something said merely to make them feel good. Remember: we all crave appreciation and recognition, and we might do almost anything to get them. But nobody wants lies or flattery.

It bears repeating: these principles work only when they come from the heart. These are not tricks, but a new way of life.

"Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use." — William James

Abilities wither under criticism; they flourish under encouragement.

Give a Person a Good Name to Live Up To

Rule 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

If you want someone to improve in a particular way, act as though that trait were already one of their outstanding qualities.

"Assume a virtue, if you have it not." — William Shakespeare

We can take the same approach with others and openly affirm that they possess the virtue we want to help them develop. Give them a reputation to live up to, and you will see them make tremendous efforts rather than disappoint that expectation.

An old saying goes: "Earn a reputation, and you can rest on it." Let's give others a good reputation and see what happens.

Make Mistakes Seem Easy to Correct

Rule 8: Use encouragement. Make mistakes seem easy to correct.

Tell a child, a spouse, or an employee that they are stupid or foolish at something, that they have no talent for it, and that they do it badly, and you will destroy every incentive for them to improve. But take the opposite approach: be generous with encouragement, make the task seem manageable, and let them know you have faith in their ability to do it. You may find them practicing until dawn in their determination to improve.

Make People Glad to Do What You Want

Rule 9: Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest.

One of the most important rules in human relations is to make the other person feel pleased about doing what you suggest.

Carnegie describes a man who has declined many invitations to speak, including invitations from friends and people to whom he feels obligated. Yet he does it so skillfully that people are satisfied even with his refusal. He doesn't make excuses about being too busy. Instead, after expressing his appreciation for the invitation and his regret at being unable to accept it, he suggests another speaker to take his place. He gives people little time to feel disappointed by his refusal, directing their attention immediately toward a possible replacement.

An effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:

Be sincere. Don't promise anything you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
Be clear. Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what the other person really wants.
Consider the benefits. Think about what the other person will receive from doing what you suggest.
Match the benefits. Connect those benefits to the other person's desires.
Frame the request. Ask in a way that emphasizes those benefits to the other person.

It would be naive to expect a favorable response every time you use these methods. But experience suggests that you are more likely to change attitudes by applying these principles than by ignoring them. If they improve results by even 10 percent, you are a 10 percent more effective leader - and that is your benefit.

Final Thoughts

These rules should not remain theoretical concepts we simply read and remember. We need to internalize them and practice them consistently until they become fundamental habits in the way we treat people. Their value comes from putting them into action, sincerely, in everyday conversations and relationships. That is how we build lasting friendships: by making them part of who we are.

Below is a list of all the rules to keep as a quick reference.

Quick Reference

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Tactfully offer a friendly challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person's.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make mistakes seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest.